Meng
How Do We Respond to Emotional Blackmail?
1. Introduction
Are you familiar with these scenarios? “All I did is for you!” “I did something because I love you.” If you have come across these situations, then you might be suffering from “emotional blackmail.” According to Dr. Forward (1997), one of America’s leading therapists who coined the term, emotional blackmail is the use of fear, obligation, and guilt to control another person. Many people are unaware of it due to their lack of knowledge. What’s more, emotional blackmail has an impact on the overall sense of well-being and it contributes to anxiety and depression. In this paper, we will introduce three steps on how to respond to emotional blackmail properly and wisely.
2. Problem
Emotional blackmail is usually disguised as a way of showing concern to victims; hence, it is often neglected or hard to identify. According to our survey results (Figure 1), nearly 75% of our participants said that they have unconsciously experienced emotional blackmail from others. However, it would erode the victims’ minds and souls gradually. These complicated feelings would accumulate over time and cause harm to their hearts. Moreover, in order to reduce these uncomfortable feelings, the victims may just obey the blackmailer's requirements. Lin (2018) stated that in the long-term, a vicious circle would be formed: the victims would let the blackmailers use this method to control all of their decisions and behaviors, causing them to lose the freedom and ability to make decisions for themselves. In the end, the "ego" of the victim would be exhausted and worn out in the process, until there is no more energy left. As a result, for the sake of better exploring emotional blackmail and searching out how to solve the issue, we have come up with a solution with three specific steps based on the survey results and suggestions from academic journals.
Figure 1. Percentage of people who have unconsciously experienced emotional blackmail from others after exploring the ideas of emotional blackmail
3. Solution
We strongly recommend that people take the following three steps: 1) learning how to discriminate true caring from emotional blackmail, 2) staying sober and alert to protect themselves from unhealthy relationships, as well as 3) starting the conversation with the emotional blackmailer. These steps can help people to form the ability to identify the existence of emotional blackmail and learn how to take proper measures to tackle the problem.
4. Step 1
First, the victims should learn how to recognize and discriminate genuine caring from emotional blackmail. When people are in the dark about being stuck in emotional blackmail, they might think they should blame themselves for the negative feelings. Besides, according to Ho (2019), the victims who have closer bonds with the blackmailer tend to blindly obey their requests to maintain the relationship. Therefore, the reason why recognizing is an important skill to cultivate is that it can help you evaluate whether you are in a steady and healthy relationship, get rid of the negative emotions, then, in turn, regain the balance. Caspi (1969) concluded that emotional blackmail is “a disguised enforcement of a certain behavior upon a person through the arousing in him of negative emotions in spheres entirely irrelevant to the actual behavior being enforced.” In other words, the key to breaking through the emotional blackmail is to identify the main message and ignore the rest of them. Furthermore, Myers (2020) categorized emotional blackmail into a few types, such as Punishers (threaten to punish the receivers or themselves if the receivers refuse to comply), Sufferers (express their feelings without words), or Tantalizers (use rewards to control the victims). According to these types, we can get a better understanding of how to solve the problem. Based on our survey (Figure 2), up to 90% of the respondents think that learning to differentiate actual caring from emotional blackmail can improve well-being and relationships. The true meanings hidden behind emotional blackmail are not always malicious; it is expressing the feelings in the wrong way that hurts the relationship. Therefore, telling the difference between true concerns and emotional blackmail is the first step to healing connections.
Figure 2. Percentage of people who think that learning to differentiate actual caring from emotional blackmail can improve well-being and relationships
5. Step 2
Secondly, the victims should keep calm, set emotional boundaries, and identify their triggers when they confront emotional blackmail. According to our survey (Figure 3), when respondents encounter emotional blackmail, the top three emotions that they feel are anger (46.7%), obedience (28.3%), and indifference (25%). However, these emotions are not what those victims are supposed to feel or receive in a positive communication of the relationship. As a result, victims should stay calm, set emotional boundaries, and identify their triggers. The emotional blackmailers who are trying to manipulate the victims generally have an in-depth observation of what they are afraid of and how to cross their lines. For example, if they dislike arguing in public, maybe the blackmailers would threaten to make a scene. Hence, the process of exploring one’s fears and beliefs would help the victims understand themselves better; moreover, they could regain the power back to control their lives and make their own decisions. As a result, in this same context, if the victims could understand and analyze why they are afraid of public arguments, they could try to avoid the situation and come up with a more proper response to this kind of threat. In a nutshell, if the victims could stay calm and analyze the situation thoroughly, they would not fall into the blackmailer’s traps. In doing so, it would be a lot harder for the other person to utilize the victims’ weaknesses against them.
Figure 3. Emotions that people have when encountering emotional blackmail
6. Step 3
Finally, if victims feel emotionally and physically safe, they can engage in a conversation with the blackmailers. By following the previous two steps, victims can thoroughly understand that blackmailers should account for the negative emotions produced by emotional blackmail and make a change. However, if the victims just bluntly point out the problems, they might irritate the blackmailers because most of them are unaware of it. Lancer suggested (2020) that the communication could start with appreciating, understanding extortioners’ love and caring intentions, and making it clear that they want the relationship to remain healthy. Next, express how badly the emotional blackmail makes you feel and make a firm stance that they will not comply or be manipulated in an inoffensive way. Lastly, help the blackmailers to rephrase the sentences that can express the same meanings without emotional blackmail. If the conversations are out of control, just step back and take a break, or seek professional help from counselors or therapists. According to our survey (Figure 4), up to 60% of the participants have not discussed the situations with emotional blackmailers because some of them suggest that emotional blackmailers will not change. Though it takes time and effort, striking up a conversation is always the most crucial step to solving the emotional blackmail.
Figure 4. Percentage of people who have not discussed the situations with emotional blackmailers
7. Conclusion
In brief, with the three steps (recognizing the emotional blackmail, staying calm, and starting a conversation), people can learn to protect themselves and also build a much healthier relationship. Everyone deserves to feel loved and supported, not threatened. Therefore, if people could understand the steps and start to implement these in their life, they could have a clearer mind and a new perspective for them to assess and consider what kind of relationships they want to have, and eventually own a more satisfying life.
References
Birch, J. (2020). What is emotional blackmail? Here's how to spot the toxic behavior. Huffpost.
Retrieved from:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/what-is-emotional-blackmail_l_5ee7cf75c5b69e917f1d405f
Forward, S., & Frazier, D. (1997). Emotional blackmail (p. 400-402). Bantam. Retrieved from:
https://scholar.google.com/scholar?cluster=1322251781639954640&hl=en&as_sdt=0,5
Ho, C. J. (2019). An investigation of the emotion blackmail process in organizations: The panoramic view of the relationship among blackmail behaviors, interactions, and emotion responsiveness. Unpublished M.A. thesis, Chung Yuan Christian University.
Retrieved from:
https://www.airitilibrary.com/Publication/alDetailedMesh1?DocID=U0017-0309201912193500#References
Lin, S. S. (2018). The investigation and the clarification of emotion blackmail- An evidence from the business organization. Unpublished M.A. thesis, Chung Yuan Christian University.
Retrieved from:
y.com/Publication/alDetailedMesh?docid=U0017-0909201818315700
Caspi, M. D. (1969). Emotional blackmail. Teachers College Record, 70 (4), 279-296.
Retrieved from:
https://www.tcrecord.org/Content.asp?ContentId=1841
Myers, E. (2020). How to spot and respond to emotional blackmail. Healthline.
Retrieved from:
https://www.healthline.com/health/emotional-blackmail#defintion
Survey
Google Survey link http://surl.li/bzyyb
